puppeteered

 One and a half months have passed. Yeah what's another 34 and a half of missing you?

Why on earth should I care?

London has been unfriendly. Unkind. There are 6 billion people on this earth. But none of these people but one, will know me. 

And again I've lost myself in this thick jungle of people, wandering somewhere along the pitch dark roads of London, with a map and a bus guide but without a direction. Why have I once again thrown myself in a world of pretense? I am sane, and being functional. I know what I want that I don't want. And I'm doing it. Because I have to learn to survive without a soul. I'm wondering once again where to turn. There's a dead end straight ahead, there are worlds ahead of me. There are vines and dead things ahead, there is beauty and wonder ahead. The goal constantly mutates and rears its ugly head. 

But again I'll be fine tomorrow. A new day will begin. And then the rain wouldn't matter.

So why bother about today?

I find it kinda funny I've spent half my life being an emo prick. I've changed, at least i can look back and laugh. Some things just aren't worth being sad about. I'm happy I have a huge emotional palette though. I guess that's one of the good things that came out of that. I'm quickly moving on to the next stage of my life. Albeit a little hesitantly, I'll pull through. I've begun to see there's always a good side of things. Sounds queer because some people never needed to be taught that. Anyway here's a new song.

 

 I think I should leave.

Sick Cupid

 

It must’ve been a joke
I was made a fool
Sick cupid knew his jest
He knew…

Time is running out
I’ve been found out
Sick Cupid shot me hard
I’m bleeding myself raw 

He’s probably laughing
He’s probably a sadist
Aimed and he shot
And he knew I was wrought

Sick Cupid
Sick Cupid (You’re so sick)
Sick Cupid x 5 

Wanderlust beauties
And candy sweethearts
And falling muses
I fell in love with a freak

It must’ve been a joke
I was made a fool
Sick Cupid knew his jest
He knew… 

Time is running out
I’ve been found out
Sick Cupid played his game
He knew...

I know I still try too hard. Overcompensate. Try to be who I'm not. Cover little bits I find sticking out in the edges. It takes time. Everything's pretty messy. And I haven't grown into my own skin. Not even after half a year.

I'm looking for something more.

Hee Suhui no longer falls into the category of fucking skinny (perhaps she never did). And she has given up hope on that. xD

I think photography is interesting cause it places things into perspective, and I think it kinda lets yourself know how you view the world. Like the type of pictures you take reflect how you visually perceive what's in front of you. I took some in the night, some describing words... solitary, dimly lit, cornered subjects... :/ You get the picture. I think its kinda sad that that's what I see. But I realize I'm not interested in sunlight unless it casts a shadow, or in clouds unless its dark. I guess I like myself that way, anyway. (:

I realize I still have been trying to be a 'good girl' in people's eyes, well, I'm really not. So I shouldn't bother. I don't think it really changes anything, unless my friends are judgemental people. But I trust they aren't because they're beautiful people. The crux is my parents I guess. They wouldn't accept me if I were cussing and drinking lol! I don't mean I'm going to go crazy with that or anything. Just letting go I guess. I don't think I'd drink often or cuss much more. Just the act of letting it loose and not giving a crap. I've just been too caught up trying to be someone I'm supposed to be.

[what would you be when I'm older?
a long lost friend, or colder?]

I realize at the end of the day, I'm still alone. And I guess I have to live with that sooner or later. By default I already knew that. I'm just reminded of it I guess. Humans are lonely people xD. I've made friends and I'm living well. It's just in those tiny moments where I'm lost and down, that I realize everyone has their own lives to lead and that I should really be doing the same.

I thought you'd be anxious to see me as i was. Guess I was wrong, don't know what to make of it. But I'm not liking it. Just adjusting to it. I'll have to be fine.

 Hello. I'm in RISD Fleet Library typing an entry on Livejournal. Doesn't quite make sense to me yet. I'm done with homework *gasp* after being a room potato if there is such a word. And there is no one to talk to but the computer. I miss my Singapore friends who seem to have all moved on with their lives. University for the win. So I shall try to do that too. I think I'm just bitter cause I'm lonely ):. Especially since you don't wanna talk to me. 

People usually like to stereotype countries to having different vibes. I kinda experienced it somehow. When I stepped into America there was just an air of 'i don't care'. London was romantic, deliberate, rustic. Rhode Island just didn't feel like much. Not to exaggerate... it didn't have much. After going around to ask.. most admitted to not knowing what there was about here to do. Save for the Cliff Walk at Newport which I will be going to tomorrow, there aren't many attractions that are worth going to. One museum boasted... We've had 1600 visitors since our opening!! :x didn't know what to say to that. I guess I'll have to dig out all its secrets, pretty sure RISD students would've found some haunts. Well as usual life likes to throw me little surprises. I came upon an antique typewriter at a second hand store in reasonable working condition and bought it for 10 US dollars. That kinda lifted my mood a bit. Spent the whole of last night thinking about you and all the shapes you were. Pictured you in all our little haunts and scenes. I especially liked the one with me huddled in a bundle with you wrapped around me. It's funny how I try to keep you, but you try to leave me outside your head, but I guess it's my fault. On a random note, Coldplay's song is rather apt, goes something like... the people who are dead, are not dead; they're just living in my head... Ah well, you'll never see this, but I miss you.

London is pretty mixed. I remember only my favourite parts so most of it is nice and quaint. Haven't really seen the superquirky side of it but the people seem pretty diverse. (: The Pollock Toy Museum and British Museum are must-gos for inspiration and Covent Garden Marketplace too.. for a taste of the culture. The things I've seen and done are pretty exciting I must say. Took photos with a man covered in plastic bottles today while walking about alone and took photos of a camwhorey little Italian girl in the Toy Museum. Wish I had been more adept with the camera though. The people are nice and very friendly. Everything's pretty. But everything feels a little pointless too.. No one to share it with, to rave with, to take photos of, to relate places to. My parents are here lol, though I'm out alone most of the time. My dad was laughing really heartily on the plane... with half the aisle staring at him.. we couldn't help laughing at him. :P And I have a snoring symphony every night. It feels funny without any familiar faces or colours, or weather, or weird coloured grass (michelle's observation) around. I end up not really looking.. like I detached my heart so it wouldn't feel the unfamiliarity. I'm on a quest to 'collect inspiration'.. sigh. If only you were here. That'd be very different. But I guess I'll have to learn to live without that.

You and the Moon

If the moon was a little closer
would I have a sorry sparkle in my eye
would you fall in love, or would I?

If the stars were a little brighter
would the moon refuse to shine
would you try to light it up with your lighter?

And if I were a little thinner
would you hold me like I was precious?
oh so tight

If I were a little prettier
would you look at me as if i were
just a little beautiful in the moonlight?

So what would you use to mend me this time?
What would the trees whisper to broken nights?
An ordinary soul in the shadow of light
A seeking a weeping a weakling in fright

If the moon was a little closer
would I have a sorry sparkle in my eye
would you fall in love, or would I?

If the stars were a little brighter
would the moon refuse to shine
would you try to light it up with your lighter?

Nothing but an old voice aching at the back of my head
Beauty left its throne to wander like my troubadour dreams
Leaving only a faint cold trail, like fading white noise
and a desperation, of letting slip something weightless

I'm moving! Got sick of this LJ. AHAHAH (: Ask me for the address if you want it.

Do you choose to believe? Or do you just believe?

I think I'm getting all confused again. :/. But at least I have the guts to admit it now. Haha, I need someone to shout wake-up calls at me like I do to other people. I don't have a functional enough brain to analyse my own situation for myself. xD. It's my lack of confidence seeping back again. Oh wellllll. At least I still have enough sanity to tell myself to get trudging. It's just because people have been telling me what I don't need to hear. Like how I'd fail. I'd be the deaf frog, and be glad Mianrong gave me that nickname as a reminder how I should shut my ears and my eyes to my pessimistic self and to people who don't believe in who I can be. GO SUHUI. (: I need people to mug with me (and not chat). Preferably smart people whom I can spam chem questions at. AHAHAHA :P.

Today was quite an emotional rollercoaster. At least at the end of the day anyway. It kinda hurt me to know I was loved and that I loved so badly.

Some things need reminders, though you've known it all along. It's hard to explain because you need to get it yourself, and it'll sound really cheesy and inexpressive but here it is anyway.

I knew I was loved, but it never really hit me. My love always came from somewhere on the surface. I never dared to say that I loved. Because well, I really didn't. Not much, or I never really liked to admit. I liked the idea of being icey. And not emotionally attached. So I retaliated at being loved, and told myself subconsciously that I wouldn't fall hard for anything. Everything had a barrier around it, a cloud - allocated by none other than myself. I guess some things boil down to pride, or lack of humility. Admitting is the first step to changing it I guess.

(It's kind of queer the way people relate love to only relationships as in bgr, but family and friends consitute more of love than anything else.) It occurred to me what I'd really feel if I lost the people close to me. It's funny how I never realized what these people meant to me before. Can't explain how it would be like either. I cringe at the feeling. And it really made me cry to know that I finally felt what it was like to feel for another without myself in the way.







[I need a tall skinny guy who knows how to swim! To film for my coursework at the chinese high swimming pool!!!]